Waking Up, Again

It’s November. I’ve blinked, and 3/4 of the year has passed. What do I have to show for it? How should I know I’ve been asleep?

It’s 2025. I’ve blinked, and a 1/3 of my life (if I’m lucky) has passed. What do I have to show for it? How should I know I’ve been asleep?

I go through phases of life, being awake and being asleep. Most of my life has been slept away. Slowly rotting away as an NPC in somebody else’s game.

Eat, sleep, work, and fry my mind with content slop, then repeat. Once in a blue moon, I wake up, look around, and take stock of my surroundings. What I see disgusts me. What I feel disgusts me. This self-righteous disgust burns bright and fast, motivating me to make changes and to attempt to crawl out of the tar-pit of mediocrity I’ve been sinking into.

But self-disgust can only power the engine for so long. Eventually, I forget what I was so worked up about. I ease back into the soft, comforting, easy tar. I slowly ease back into the comfort of distraction. And I go to sleep again.

Today, I find myself recently awakened. Taking stock of my surroundings, I’m at a loss. I’ve weighed myself and have found myself wanting, yet again. I want to escape the malaise. I must reach an exit velocity so extreme that sinking back into the tar pit isn’t an option. But how?

How do I transform 30+ years of mediocrity and pure laziness into something visceral and vibrant? How do I become the person who takes the hard path? Who does what they say they will do, and does it when they say they will. To be someone my younger self would be proud to turn into?

I’m not sure yet. I have ideas, but nothing concrete. To start: I’m going to write. Document the process. Use writing as a way to clean the cobwebs off my brain and whatever synapses are still firing after frying it with “content” for years. I wasn’t always an NPC, and I won’t be one forever either. This is my journey.

-Cacoethes

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